So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
