i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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