i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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