why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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