she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
