We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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