I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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