hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
