My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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