Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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