Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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