I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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