My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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