This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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