I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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