those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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