Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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