My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
