when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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