i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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