i don't like sucking hair
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
