dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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