my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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