woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
