can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
