I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You made out with two different species that night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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