life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
