you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
