I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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