Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she peed on how many people?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
