People in love make me want to vomit
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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