Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
