Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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