Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
