And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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