Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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