it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
