I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
