Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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