I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
