Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
pray to the hookup gods
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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