Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
