don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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