Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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