I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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