smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator