I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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