I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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