god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
