Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
