I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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