From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
