That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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