my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
