first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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