we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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