I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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