How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
