you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
