her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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