I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
