i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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